infidelidad I

Desde que ingresé a la edad adulta he pensado mucho al respecto. Antes me parecía algo tan lejano, tan sin sentido.

Los años comenzaron a pasar y de pronto sabíamos de alguna amiga cuyo novio le puso el cuerno o viceversa. En mi relación pensaba que nunca pasaría, que a algunos les pasaba pero que era porque no se querían en verdad, pero que aquellos que se amaban les auguraba una felicidad plena.

Fui creciendo y me daba cuenta que en una pareja hay muchas dificultades, no todo era felicidad, no amabas cada cosa de tu pareja, había cosas que te disgustaban, incluso encontrabas algunas que eran intolerantes. Sin embargo la infidelidad aún era algo ajeno a mí.

Siempre me he caracterizado por ir corriendo, por no querer esperar ni un poco para vivir. Tengo una prisa interna por experimentar. Y debo admitir que no siempre he estado lista para vivir algunas cosas, y entre esa prisa e inexperiencia me encontré viviendo algo que aún no era para mí, que no era mi tiempo, ni era mi espacio. Así que las cosas salieron mal, entre el estrés y la desesperación cometí la primer infidelidad de mi vida.

No necesitas tener un novio para ser infiel, de hecho serle infiel a alguien más es algo negativo, sin embargo no se compara en lo más mínimo a ser infiel a uno mismo, ser infiel a tus sueños; así que tuve mi primer encuentro con la infidelidad a los 21 años.

Cuando recapacité, intenté justificarme diciendo que me encontraba en una mala racha, que tenía muchas broncas, que realmente no sabía lo que había hecho. Sin embargo dentro de mí sabía que no había manera de culpar las circunstancias, al final eran mis decisiones, era MI vida.

Aprendí muchas cosas de mi primer infidelidad, lloré a mares, aunque eso probablemente no diga mucho, pues llorar es normal en mí. Me sentí mal durante y después, aunque pensaba que estaba en mi derecho de hacer lo que yo quisiera, yo sabía que algo andaba mal.

Creo que esto es el peor tipo de infidelidad, pierdes credibilidad contigo mismo, dudas de tus sueños y tus ideas, y de una forma un tanto masoquista tu mismo te rompes el corazón.

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“It is necessary to the happiness of man that he be mentally faithful to himself. Infidelity does not consist in believing or in disbelieving; it consists in professing to believe what he does not believe.” Thomas Paine

what's stopping us?

I'm not sure whether this is a sign or it's just myself trying to stop me from doing something that scares me... commitment... certainly...

Is it really happening? Can you explain me how did we get here? It feels like it was a long way, but then it looks like we have been here for a second, and forever, a curious contradiction. We marely knew each other, and we know each other like nobody else... how could this be?

ok, so right now things are like this, and we'll have to deal with it, where did he say I was going? oohhh, that correct! we are going on that direction, but... is this what I want? ok, lets don't think about my dreams, is this the best for me? maybe I didn´t dream about it, but right now is as good as it can get... should I go on then?

should I follow my guts and listen to my heart? has somebody actually heard his heart? has your heart talked to you? I wonder what would my heart tell me? Would it be usefull? Would my heart give me some pieces of advice that would actually help me?

Ok, I tried to hear, but nothing yet... maybe if I estimulate it... maybe if you kiss me my heart will start talking... right... that's not gonna happen, let's face it, nothing's stopping me, I could keep on walking.

Then if I want to go forward and he wants it too, then why aren't we moving?

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"Ella no es perfecta, pero fue la única que dijo "acepto"."
Cosmo - Los Padrinos mágicos

Antes de que nos olviden
Caifanes

Antes de que nos olviden
Haremos historia
No andaremos de rodillas
El alma no tiene la culpa

Antes de que nos olviden
Rasgaremos paredes
Y buscaremos restos
No importa si fue nuestra vida

Antes de que nos olviden
Nos evaporaremos en magueyes
Y subiremos hasta el cielo
Y bajaremos con la lluvia

Antes de que nos olviden
Romperemos jaulas
Y gritaremos la fuga
No hay que condenar el alma

Aunque tú me olvides
Te pondré en un altar de veladoras
Y en cada una pondré tu nombre
Y cuidaré de tu alma.

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"La vida, como un comentario de otra cosa que no alcanzamos, y que está ahí al alcance del salto que no damos."
Julio Florencio Cortázar - Rayuela

very secret weapon, very low budget highly effective...

Ana Paula se fue, Ana Paula ya no está and I may not believe as she stayed for such short time and right now I am sure she is happily laughing now and she saw what it was our complicated lifes and somehow inside me i feel a beautiful peace even though many plans seem completely unfulfilled many times probably obviously I'm quite naive, you achived what many never ever ever will instantly with yourserf you implanted a seed of your love and your traits that no one will ever be...

oh, my darlin life down here is quite tougher, months are longer than they used to be. And the silence you left in the wooden house seems to starren to dissapear but i have a secret secret weapond very low budget highly effective but i have a very secret weapon very low budget highly effective and that is that i love

Juan Son
"Ana Paula" lyrics

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"Cómo quieres que te olvide si cuando comienzo a olvidarte, me olvido de olvidarte y comienzo a recordarte." Woddy Allen

steaming pieces of tree

I find myself once again thinking of you, and this results to me so amusing that I'm planning of making a living out of it. And it's really unbelieveable that after all this time, no matter where I am you seem to be always here. So today I decided to reserve some minutes to honor this lovely and traumatic memory. If I may I would like to start for remembering that day when looking to the stars you promised me eternal love. But wait, I'm forgetting about the time you said I'll always be your beautiful princess, and the time I thought we would die of love in that very moment. I remember those sundays afternoons when we said goodbye feeling we wouldn't see each other for an eternity, and we were going to see each other the next day, and that nostalgia was only the melancholy of the goodbye for a great weekend together.

My dear, I treasure every single moment I spent with you like the most valuable artefact my memory saves. I know you'll live a long, prosperous and joyfull life, and so do I, but my happiness will be complete just because I will always have the memory of my true love, and nothing will compare with that. May I paint those memories in green? I would love to remember only the happy days and not those that kept me apart from you. Do you remember the day we were running in the rain, looking for a bus? Holding your hand with the sparkling rain around made me feel so free and complete.

I'm not sad 'cause we are not together anymore, I feel lucky we found each other in the perfect place at the perfect time. You were holding a flower bouquet and I was standing on your way, with my heart wrapped in a pink metalic paper. For a second I looked you in the eye and knew I would love you forever. The next day we were dancing by the monitors light, and you kissed my neck and I felt how every single drop of blood in my body was singing your name.

So the days passed by, and you owned my heart, and I owned your life, and together we were eternal, we felt like iron ladybugs almost invisibles but majestics. We thought we flew, but it was only for a few minutes, for a few meters, but in my mind it lasts forever.

Today I'm cooking this meal for you, or maybe for us. I wish I could hold you tight, but I cann't anymore. I remember the day a shining star came down for you. You didn't even seem to notice, but you were flying in the air, far away. I think you must have realized by now that we have been thrown apart. That we will never be together, nor the same. I think you see clearly now, I would even dare to say that you know better than me that this is a long, painfull farewell.

It's nice to dream we'll be together someday, but we both know that the train I took will never go back to your arms, so now you can't go after me, now that you have been taken so far from me, I would walk to you if I could, but where are you now? I don't feel you, I can't smell your scent, and to be honest I don't need you either...

That's the most painfull thought, I wish I still need you, but I don't and that's why today I'm happy, 'cause I know you feel that way too. No matter what you say, you know you don't need me anymore. I know you'll live a long, prosperous and joyfull life, but tonight at least in my dreams have dinner with me, today I cooked steaming pieces of tree...


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VOY A COCINARTE UN POSTRE LE PONDRÉ MANZANAS DE FELICIDAD PARA QUE TE COMAS UNA Y SEAS FELIZ, TODO EL DÍA Y ME DIGAS, QUE NO PUEDES VIVIR SIN MI...
Natalia Lafourcade

dreams of water vals

inside the soap house watching your silhouette,
drawing rhinos with water you look so great
red nail polish, long aquatic eyelashes
and your voice perfuming everywhere, I swear

the cork snail told me this before it happened
you are not the same, but who are you?
lets slide on its shell and forget everything he said
just close your eyes with me and think of the moon

the days have passed and we are still on the same place
this monster platform reminds me of you
but the scary glance of your eyes at night
is not the same when you are sad

we are breathing today and maybe tomorrow
today i will love you, next week i won't
so kiss me while I struggle with your phantom again
in this bamboo bubble that keeps us away

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"It is wise to bring some water, when one goes out to look for water"
Afghan Proverb

no more fragility

white landscapes without snow, without a cloud
green floors, but there are no flowers, no plants at all
but i know this smell, smells like my childhood
somehow is not quite the same, there's something wrong

i walk, i search for it
naturally i won't find it
you never find what you're looking for
'cause its soul doesn't wanna be found
it's gonna fight against it, you can't own it
the more you want it, the less you'll have it

he gets in the way
i wanna keep on looking, but i can't
but wait a minute....
what's that shinning?
jeez! i can barely see!

all of a sudden everything gets dark
it's so confusing
now, what's that noise?
i think i distinguish a voice
is the first time i've heard it
but i can recognize it
such a powerful, perfectly loud voice

i found the path
i don't need to cry out "marco" anymore
i don't now exactly where i'm going
but i'm sure i wanna be there

then, that smell again
the clear path beneath my feet
white landscapes in the horizon
there's no wind, but he's here
and i don't need anything else

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"Everything is clearer when you're in love." JWL